Dictator digs Doritos

Saddam likes Doritos.

That was the headline on the news this morning.

Let's assume you think this is interesting information. Maybe it's not of the same caliber as, say, global warming, but there you have it. According to Headline News, Saddam likes Doritos.

Originally, Headline News reported that Saddam was partial to Cheetos. According to the July issue of GQ Magazine, which came out June 20 and features a seven-page article about the American soldiers who guarded Saddam, this isn't the whole truth. A guard introduced the dictator to Cheetos, and Saddam was hooked... until he shunned them after sampling the glorious, spicy crunchiness of Doritos.

Really, who can blame him? I'd do just about anything for a bag of Cool Ranch myself.

But man does not live on Doritos alone. Apparently, Saddam preferred Raisin Bran Crunch for breakfast, telling his guards, "No Froot Loops." Now, that's just weird. Who doesn't like Froot Loops? What's the matter with this guy? I mean, besides being a mass murderer and dictator?

In addition, Saddam also enjoyed fish and chicken and liked his salads with Italian dressing.

In his free time - and he had plenty of it - Hussein liked to tell jokes, write poetry, tend his garden, feed the birds with crumbs of his own food and smoke cigars.

The guards drew the line at getting him the ping pong table he requested. I don't know who he planned to play with; perhaps he would have invited President Bush to go a few rounds. After all, Saddam did say that Bush would forgive him and allow him to go back to his palace.

Good luck with that, buddy. What's that expression? "Denial is more than a river in Egypt?"

Saddam had strong opinions of our presidents, both past and present. He praised Reagan and gave a lukewarm opinion of Clinton. But it was the Bushes that really got under his skin.

'The Bush father, son, no good,' Hussein told Cpl. Jonathan Reese.

Back to the Doritos. Why did this tidbit of useless information make the news? And how will it affect Frito Lay stocks? Will it become the official snack of Operation Enduring Freedom? Will Hussein become the new spokesperson for Raisin Bran Crunch?

Maybe Saddam could be featured on a Wheaties box. And then the General Mills folks could include a toy for the kiddies; in honor of Saddam, the box would promise a plastic weapon of mass destruction in every box... and then there wouldn't be anything in the box besides Wheaties.

Hoping to find answers to my questions, I stopped by a bookstore and picked up a copy of GQ's July issue. The cover boasted an article entitled, "Saddam, without Underpants."

This startled me. I remembered hearing that pictures of Saddam, walking around in his underwear and a robe, had been leaked during his captivity. Therefore, I was grateful that Saddam wasn't the GQ cover model.

Although I might have preferred Hussein in his undies over the actual cover, which features Jessica Simpson in a red, white and blue bikini. The bookseller told me that Brad Pitt had been on the cover of the June issue. I had missed Brad by just a couple of days, which proves that life can be cruel... unless you're an Iraqi dictator.

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